There's an old lady and an old man that live in a nursing home. Every
day, they meet under the same tree at the same time. She puts her hand
out and he places his tackle on it. One day the lady waits and waits but
the man is nowhere to be seen. She goes out to look for him and finds him
under another tree with another woman. She asks him "what has she got
that I haven't?" and he replies "altzheimer's disease"
The old man sat and stared at the kid that had his hair dyed punk-rock
style, blue,yellow and green. Finally the kid said to the old man,"what
are you staring at? Haven't you ever done anything crazy in your life?"
The old man quickly replied,"I fucked a parrot once,I was just trying to
figure out if you could be my son!"
What do you call a black scuba diver?
There's this plane which is in flight some in South America. Planes in
this region are well known for their unreliablitity. This plane is a cargo
plane carring live stock and grains. Part of the live stock is this cat
After an hour in the air, somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean the
Plane lost power to all engines.
The pilot trys to glide the plane onto a reef but fails. After the crash
the only survivors are the cat and rooster. The cat and rooster could see
an island in the distance but decided to stay in the plane as thtere was
enough food for a week.
A week passed, the food supply was low and there did not any chances of
resque. The cat and rooster decided to head for the island. They found a
crate, got into it and rowed it to island. Once on the island they were
both releaved. The rooster had found a lot of food, worms, insects, and
A week passed and the cat was disappointed because he had been eating
fruits all week. He decided to have chicken that night so he began
chasing the rooster across to the other side of the island ( it is a very
small island in the middle of nowhere). Once on the other side the rooster
was trapped on the shore in between the cat and the sea. the cat decided
to pounce onto the rooster and kill him. The rooster flew up flew towards
the sea. The cat missed the rooster and fell into the water and got all
Moral of the story is :-
FOR EVERY WET PUSSY THERE'S A SATISFIED COCK.
Once upon a time, long, long ago, a wizard lived in an enchanted forest.
He usually used his magical powers to help the animals that lived there.
One afternoon, a toad came hopping up to the wizard's cottage and knocked
on the door. The wizard opened the door and saw that the toad was,
remarkably enough, of a bright, sunny yellow color.
"You see the problem?" the toad said. "All my life I've been like this.
I want to be green, like the other toads."
The wizard nodded gravely, took out a magic wand and waved it above the
toad. At once, the toad became a smooth, lovely green color. The toad
hopped with joy, thanking the wizard profusely, until he noticed that the
spell had not entirely worked. His penis was still yellow.
"What do I do about this?" the toad asked. "I can't go around this way."
The wizard apologized, saying, "I can only work one spell each day, I'm
afraid. But in the next forest over, you'll find another wizard who can
complete the spell." The toad thanked the wizard and hopped off.
A short while later, a bear came to the wizard's door. When the wizard
opened it, he saw that the bear was entirely blue in color.
"Can you help me?" asked the bear.
The wizard shrugged and said, "I'm out of magic for the day, I'm afraid.
But there is another wizard in the next forest."
"How do I get there?" asked the bear.
"It's easy," replied the wizard. "Just follow the yellow-dick toad."
HOW TO HANDLE STRESS
1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill.
3. Pop some popcorn without the lid on.
4. When someone says "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
5. During your next meeting sneeze, and then loudly suck the phlegm back
down your throat.
6. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
7. Make a list of the things you have already done.
8. Dance naked in front of your pets.
9. Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school as
if nothing is wrong.
10. Thumb through the National Geographic and draw underwear on the Natives.
11. Go shopping buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them the next day.
12. Drive to work in reverse
13. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
14. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you.
15. Bill your Doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room.
16. Get a box of condoms, wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the
cashier where the fitting rooms are.
A man goes into a bar and asks for a beer for himself and a whiskey
for the pet octopuss on his shoulder, although the barman thinks this
is odd he serves the drinks and say's " That's a very unusual pet you
The man replies "Oh yes and it's very musical, can play any
The barman, being a gambling man says he can produce an instrument the
octopuss won't play, and the man takes the bet.
The barman goes into the cellar and after a few minutes comes back
with a set of bagpipes and tells the man "let's see him play those".
The man puts the pipes on the floor and the octopuss next to them and
The octopuss get's tangled in the pipes, it's underneath, it's ontop,
pipes stick out on the left, tenticles on the right, but after five
minutes not a single note is heard.
The barman says "I win, I told you it couldn't play it".
The man replies "wait till he's finished fucking it , he'll play it"!
During the Rhodesian bush war a correspondent was sent to do a story
for a well known British newspaper. He went to the army headquarters
and asked the Commanding Officer for a good war story. However the
C.O told him that seargant Barnes could give far better stories, as he
had been in action many times, so Sgt Barnes was sent for.
A few minuets later there was a knock on the door, the door crashed
open and there stood Sgt. Barnes.... he had claws instead of hands,
hooves instead of feet and two big deer antlers growing out of his
Yes seargent said the Commanding Officer, tell this man some of your
experieances in the bush war. The Seargant stood to attention and
began...." On the night of the 12th of April I was patroling along.."
No,no Seargant said the C.O. "Tell him about the time you told that
Witchdoctor to stick his totem pole up his arse".
A Greek boy has just turned 18 and his dad decides it is
time to teach him about the big wide world. So he gives
him $100 and tells him the directions to the local whorehouse.
On the way he has to walk past his grandma's house so he
decides to drop in to say hello. She asks what he is doing
and he explains how his dad has given him $100 to lose his
"save your money boy, you can do it with me", she says.
So he does.
Later on he goes home with a big grin on his face. His dad
is waiting for him.
"So you had a good time lad", the old man asks.
"Sure dad and it didn't cost me anything"
"What she gave it to you for free?"
"No, I did it with Grandma"
"WHAT YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT YOU FUCKED MY MOTHER?"
"Steady on Dad, you've been fucking mine for years!"
TASTELESS TRUE STORY
This is absolutely true and got into the papers here a week or
It turns out that a whole lot of members of the Inglewood (a small
rural New Zealand town) Rugby Football Club went on a big drinking
binge. To cut a long story short, except to say that Inglewood
is an EXTREMELY redneck place, one of the team asked all his mates
to sodomise him .... because "he wanted to feel wanted!" This they
duly did, except for one guy who absolutely refused to so he stuck
a finger up the guys arse instead, and in return had a sexual
violation charge thrown against him.
Needless to say it got thrown out of court!
An airplane was flying across the Atlantic ocean with four passengers
aboard. There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Texan, and a Mexican.
Towards the end of the trip, the plane flew into stormy weather, and
lightning struck the wing. The pilot wrenched the plane back under
control, but they were losing altitude fast. Even after dumping all the
luggage and nonessentials out the door, the plane still couldn't possibly
make it to land.
The pilot called back to his passengers, saying, "The situation's pretty
grim, gentlemen. One of you will have to bail out. Take one of the
parachutes and a life vest, and we'll send someone to pick you up once we
The Englishman decided to bail out. Strapping on a parachute, he threw
the door open, and shouted "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!" and leapt from the plane.
The plane did better after that, but was still too heavy. The pilot
called back and said, "I'm afraid someone else will have to jump."
The Frenchman decided to jump next. He strapped on a parachute, threw
the door open, and shouted "VIVA LA FRANCE!" as he flew into the ocean below.
A bit later, land came into sight, but the plane was losing altitude too
fast to make it. The pilot called back, saying "If just one more of you
bails out, we will be safe."
So the Texan strapped on a parachute, and striding bravely towards the open
door of the plane, shouted "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!" - and shoved the Mexican
(For the benefit of non-UK readers a quid is slang for a pound sterling. U.S.
readers replace it with "10 bucks")
The local priest was strolling down the High Street late in the evening
when suddenly a young lady of the night pops out of a shop doorway.
"Hello Father", she says, "Fancy a quicky for 10 quid?".
"My dear child", says the priest, "I've no idea what you mean. Please leave
A little further on up the street and another woman appears out the darkness.
"Hello Father", she says, "Fancy a quicky for 10 quid?".
"My dear child", says the priest again, "I've no idea what you mean. Please
leave me alone."
He carries on up the street and is amazed when it happens again!
"Hello Father. Fancy a quicky for 10 quid?".
After this he decides that he will go and see the Mother Superior in the
Convent and ask her if she can explain the women's strange request.
"Mother Superior", he asks, "Tell me, what's a quicky?".
"10 quid", she replies, "The same as in town!".
Adam and Eve are sitting together in their cave one evening. Eve turns to Adam
and says, "Adam?". (should be said in a high pitched "girly" voice)
"Yer, whot?", says Adam. (should be said in a "thick" voice)
"Are we black or are we white?"
"Dunno.", says Adam.
"Well, why don't you ask God if he knows.", asks Eve.
"Uhrr, OK then.", and out of the cave he goes...
"God?", says Adam.
"Yer, whot?",says a voice from heaven. (Adam was made in his image remember!)
"Are we black or are we white?", asks Adam.
"You Are What You Are", says God. (should be said dramatically)
"Oh, OK.", says Adam and pops back into the cave.
"Well, what did He say then?", asks Eve.
"He said we're white.", says Adam.
"How do you make that out?", asks Eve.
"Because, if we were black", says Adam, "He would have said..
`You Is what You Is!"
Did you realize the anagram for Mother in law is Woman Hilter.
Coincidence? I think not !
Subject: REASONS WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS:
Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be
devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't
have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They
are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's an nifty toy,
but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make
about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.
It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard
to get any real work done.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some
people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but
most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people
would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people
take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.
Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with
until it's too late.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use
it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
and influence warrant. If you're not careful what you do with it, it
can get you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions,
it will warp you behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth
did I do that?"
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices,
it will do the same damn dumb things again and again.
BANKING AND ADVANCE LOANS & LITIGATION STAFF ('BALLS') TRAINING
1. It is now and always has been the policy of this company to assure
that its employees are well trained. Through our SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TRAINING ('SHIT') Programme, we have given our employees
more SHIT than any other company in the world today.
2. If the employee feels that he or she does not receive enough SHIT
on the job, or that he or she could advance to another position by
taking more SHIT, please see your immediate boss.
3. If you graduate to the top of your list by taking all the SHIT that
is given to you, you can then qualify for our Supervisors programme -
COMPLETE RESPONSIBILITY ACTION PROGRAMME ('CRAP').
4. So to become a member of our Management team, simple take all the
SHIT that you can, then with the additional CRAP you received, you
will soon reach the top.
5. Any employee who has the initiative and drive to take both SHIT and
CRAP will reach the top too.
6. For a limited period only, the Company is offering all employees
the chance to try out our latest scheme - ADVANCE SUPERVISOR STAFF
HELPING OUR LOYAL EMPLOYEES ('ASSHOLE').
7. So work hard and you will find that the more SHIT you take and the
more CRAP you can handle, will qualify you as an ASSHOLE for sure.
8. In addition to the SHIT, CRAP and the opportunity to become an
ASSHOLE, the Company is pleased to announce two new programmes:
(a) SPECIAL CONCERN REGARDING EMPLOYEE WELFARE ('SCREW')
As with the previous programmes, SCREW is concerned for the
well-being of the employee. The process of SCREWing employees is
non-stop and will always be high on the priority list. Frequently, the
Company will review this policy to ensure the employees are being
(b) RETIRE ALL PERSONNEL EARLY ('RAPE')
This is a simple process designed to stimulate the Company as
well as to increase employees' satisfaction.
9. Remember, you may only be RAPEd once but may be SCREWed as many
times as the Company sees fit.
What do ya call a russian with 3 testicals?
What do ya call a german child molester?
The priest's wife goes to the butchers to get some steaks for dinner.
"Hi" she says, "I'd like some real tasty steaks"
"Well then" replied the butcher, "you should try these bloody steaks"
"EXCUUUSE ME!!!" screamed the priests wife, "MIND YOUR LANGUAGE!!!"
"Oh no, don't get me wrong. these steaks are called bloody steaks
because that's what they are - oozing with it. And I must say, they're
"Well then, I'll have three."
So she skips off home and starts preparing the dinner. Soon her husband
comes in and asks what she's cooking.
"Bloody steak" she says.
"But I'm a priest and this is the house of the lord. You can't use
language like that."
"Oh no, it's not like that. I got them from the butcher, he says they
have a lot of blood in them and that's where they get their name. He
also says they're very tasty."
"Oh very well then" he says, and leaves his wife to cook.
The family gather at the dinner table and the priest's son says grace.
They begin to fill their plates.
"Son" the priest says, "would you pass me the bloody meat?"
"Sure" the little son replies, handing over the plate with the steak on
it. "Oh yeah, Mum - give me the fucken salt"
the bad news is you're going to lose your legs
good news is someone wants to buy your slippers...
What did Susan's Husband say when she came home??
I was only kidding when i said to get rid of the little bastards!
You did what to my car! You bitch I loved that car.
Q: Why are only 20% of women allowed into heaven?
A: Otherwise it would be hell!
Outside: Jesus Loves You!
Inside: Everyone else thinks your an asshole!
Q:What does a Jehova's Witness do when she loses her faith?
A:She rings your doorbell for no reason.
Question: A Mexican and a Negro are in the same car...Who's driving?
Answer: A cop.
A black family win the lottery and buy an expensive house in a rich
Not long after they move in the white kid next door starts an arguement
with the black kid.
We're far better off than you, we have Rolls, you only have a Buick.
Well we gotta bigger pool than you says the black kid.
We've got a guest house counters the white kid.
This goes on until the black kid can't counter anymore and returns home
After discussing the problem with his father, the black kid confronts the
neighbour the next day.
We're far better off than you states the black kid very confidently.
How do you figure that asks the white kid.
We don't live next door to a bunch of Niggers!
Little Johnny was in a spelling bee in class.
He had to spell the word and use it in a sentence.
The teacher asked him to please spell the word EAR.
Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR E,A,R.
Then to use it in a sentence he pretended to take a
big hit off a joint and then while pretending to have
his lungs full of smoke he predended to pass the
joint to little Suzy and said "Ear"
Johnny was at home and bored. He wanted to learn some magic. So he went to
his - "Dad, dad teach me some magic!!!!"
"Fuck off Johnny" said dad.
But Johhny REALLY wanted to learn some magic, so he went to his mom - "Mom,
mom, teach some magic!!"
"Fuck off Johnny" said mom.
Now Johnny was getting pissed off. But he still wanted to learn some magic
so he went to his older brother, and said "CHRIS - TEACH ME SOME MAGIC
PLEASE!!". Chris grinned, and said to Johnny that he didnt know any magic
but that he should go to Uncle Tom outside - he'd be able to teach Johnny
So Johhnny went to Tom and asked to same question.
OK said Tom.
"Firstly, though," he said, "you turn around and pull down your pants".
Johnny didn't like this but he REALLY wanted to learn some magic.
"next" said Uncle Tom "bend over"
Johhny thought this was really odd but he was keen and did as ordered.
"Now I'm going to stick my thumb up your bum" said Tom
Johnny was appalled - What's magic about that he said.
Well, said Tom , Look left \, see my thumb??
Yes said Johhny.
Well look right said tom - there's my other thumb
yes said johnny.
MAGIC said Tom.
See there is this fish in the water, and he is looking at a fly
hovering over the water. "If that fly would just drop six
inches, I could jump out and grab it!"
There is this bear on the bank of the lake, and he is saying "If
that fly would drop six inches, the fish would jump out to get it
and I could grab the fish!!"
There is a hunter in the forest, taking aim at the bear. He says
"If that fly would drop six inches, then the fish would jump out
and the bear would reach for the fish and come into the clear,
and then I could shoot it!!!"
There is a mouse, hidden behind the hunter. He is looking at the
hunter's cheese sandwich. He says, "If that fly would drop six
inches, the fish would go for the fly, the bear would go for the
fish, the hunter would put down his cheese sandwich and go to
shoot the bear and I could grab that cheese sandwich!!!!"
There is a cat standing further back from the mouse. She is
saying, "If that fly would drop six inches, then the fish would
jump for the fly, the bear would go for the fish, the hunter
would put down his cheese sandwich to shoot the bear, the mouse
would run for the sandwich, and I could grab that mouse in a
Then it happened.
The fly dropped six inches.
The fish jumped up and got the fly!
The bear reached out to grab the fish!!
The hunter put his cheese sandwich down and shot the bear!!!
The mouse ran and picked up the sandwich!!!!
The cat lunged for the mouse, missed, and then ended up in the
What is the moral of the story boys and girls??
EVERY TIME A FLY DROPS SIX INCHES, A PUSSY GETS WET!!!
FROM: Employment Insurance Company
TO: John Hacker Smith
SUBJ: Clarification of Block 3
In your accident reporting form, you indicated in block 3 "Poor
the cause of the accident. In view of the medical expenses being
$50,000 and the time loss in excess of 6 months, we would like you to
explain a bit more fully the nature of the mishap.
FROM: John Hacker Smith
TO: Employment Insurance Company
SUBJ: Your Request for Amplification of Block 3
I am writing in response to your request for additional information
number three of the accident-reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as
cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain
fully, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
On the day of the accident I was working alone on the top section of
80 foot antenna tower, installing a RS232 connection to the microwave
from the modem in the base station. When I completed the work, I
discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower,
up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware.
Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I
decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley,
fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and
the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the
untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the
of tools. You will note in block #11 of the accident-reporting form
weight only 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off of the ground so suddenly, I
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower.
In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met up with the bucket of
materials while it was coming down. This explains my fractured skull
the broken collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
by this time my initial surprise had abated and I had the presence of
hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. This explains the multiple
of the right hand.
At approximately the same time, however, the bucket of tools and
hit the ground and the bucket split open, spilling out much of the
materials. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the bucket now weighed
approximately 20 pounds.
I refer you again to block #11 which references my weight. As you
imagine, I began a rather rapid descent down the side of the tower.
Again, in the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met up with the
remnants of the
bucket of tools and materials coming up. This accounts for the two
ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries
I fell onto the pile of tools and materials and, fortunately, only
vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools and
pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above
again lost my presence of mind...I let go of the rope.
John Hacker Smith
A grade school history teacher decides to ask a few pop questions
in class. The first question she asks is "When was the
Declaration of Independence written?" And with that a Japanese
exchange student raises his hand and says "1776". The teacher
commends the child and continues on... "Who wrote the Declaration
of Independence?" Once again the Japanese exchange student
raises his hand and says"Thomas Jefferson". The teacher again
commends the student and comments to the class "It is really
quite a shame that the only student who knew the answer to these
questions was a Japanese Exchange student!". From the back of
the class a student yells out "FUCK THE JAPANESE!!!" The teacher
immediately says "WHO SAID THAT!" A student in the back raises
his hand and says "HARRY S. TRUMAN ...1945!"
Q. What do you call a Russian prostitute ?
3 college men are talking to a advisor when the advisor asks "what do you
want to do with you life?"
the first one points out the window to a Mercedes and says" I want to be a
doctor so I can drive a care like that"
The second one points to a Ferrarri and says" I want to be a Lawyer, so I can
own a care like that"
The third guy says" I want to suck dick like my sister, cause she owns both of
**TOP 10 THINGS ROBERT SHAPIRO DOES ON HIS LAPTOP BEHIND JUDGE ITO'S BACK**
(10) (a)bort, (r)etry, (f)ail? r
(9) "You've picked up a stimpack!"
(8) irc -cshrc juju.log dewey.cc.utexas.edu:6667 .pinerc Logfile
(7) tin: alt.binaries.pictures.niggers-with-criminal-records.erotica
(6) \cshow\cshow pamand7.jpg /cga:240x16
(5) You have reached us.fbi.gov (126.96.36.199)
enter your user name: Colin_Powell
please enter p/w: Colin?_uh_huhuh_huh_huhuhuh
(4) You are connected to irc.eskimo.com port 6667
/me wants some black pussy!!
(3) Dear Mr. Shapiro, you have reached the Microsoft BOB helpline..
(2) talk email@example.com_with_clits.judges.com
Shapiro: "Hey Ito, isn't this fucking Kato guy like really boring?"
Ito: "Heh, no shit Bob, I'm getting sick of the way
he's fucking staring at Marcia Clark's kitty.."
Shapiro: "Well, I'm kinda bored too.. Hey, wanna hook up on
(1) cshow \marcia\clark\buttafuco.gif
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist
says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the
young man wants.
"Well," he says, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's
I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having
dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a
I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all
time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his
purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her
parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He
begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl
leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious
person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your
father is a pharmacist."
Jethro and his father are out fishing on the morning of Jethro's 18th
"Jethro, What do you know about Sex?" jethro's father asks.
"Sex? Why, I don't know nuttin about that Pa".
"You mean to tell me, that your almost 18, and you don't know nuttin about
sex Jethro?" his father replies.
"Nope, I don't know nuttin Pa." jetro says.
"Jethro, after dinner tongith, me and your ma will go and show u what sex
is." his father declares.
After dinner that night, Pa turns to Ma, and says, "Git on into that there
bedroom Ma, we's gonna teech Jethro a thing or to."
Ma quickly scurries into the bedroom, and begins to get undressed, "Jethro,"
pa says, "You come on in here, and watch. Susi, you do the dishes."
Jethro follows pa into the bedroom, and watches as his father gets
undressed, "Jetrho, you see that there hole on Ma?" Pa asks, pointing at the
spread eagled form of jetrho's mother.
"Yea, Pa, what about it?" jetrho replies.
"You just watch this." Pa replies, as he begins to vigorusly plumming Ma's
After a couple of minuts, Susi, Jethro's sister, walks into the room.
"Jethro," susi asks, "What's pa doing to ma?"
Jethro looks at his sister and says, "You mean to tell me that your almost
16, and you don't know a thing about Sex?"
Susi tears her eyes offa her parents long enuff to look at jethro and says,
"No Jetrho, I don't know Anything about sex."
Jetrho begins to get undressed, and he points at his parents, "You see that
there hole on Pa?"
A little boy goes up to his father and says," Dad, will you give me $10 to get
a Guinea pig?" His father replied, "Here's $20. Go get yourself a nice Irish
Johnnie Cochran: O.J., all this blood evidence is very damaging.
We've got to get a change of venue to West Virginia.
O.J.: How come?
J.C.: Because, in West Virginia, everybody has the same DNA.
Dennis Miller to Jay Leno: "The O.J. trial's gone on for so long
that Johnnie Cochran and Robert Shapiro have been able to shed their
skins three times since it began."
So the woman comes home after a hard day's shopping. Her husband takes off her
shoes and gives her a glass of sherry. "Make yourself comfortable, today I'll
give the baby a bath", he tells her.
He takes the baby to the bathroom. After a few minutes the woman hears a
horrible squeal. She jumps to her feet, runs to the bathroom and opens the
door. There she sees her husband, holding the baby by the ears over the tub.
"What the fuck are you doing, you idiot", she shouts.
The husband answers:" Then what do you expect? You don't want me to burn my
fingers ,do you?"
Q:What did Cinderela do when she got to the ball?
A: Gag Gag (from giving a blowjob)
A new way to tell an optmist from a pessimist:
A pessimist looks in a cat litter box and sees cat shit.
An optimist looks in the cat litter box and sees tootsie rolls.
How many deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know but they all sit and stare at it till it burns out and
then follow it for 25 years.
A woman goes into the car dealer and buys a new car. As she's
getting ready to drive away, she notices the radio doesn't have any
buttons. She ask the dealer how it works. The dealer says "It's one
of those new automatic radios. You just say what type of music you
to hear, and it automatically picks a station."
She thinks that is cool and drives away. As she's driving, she
says, "country" and a Garth Brooks song comes on. A little later she
says, "rock" and a Van Halen song comes on. A little later a car cuts
in front of her and she flips him off and says, "Brainless Idiot!"
Rush Limbaugh comes on the radio!
Femminists have a new decal commemorating
Shannon Faulkners grand achievements.
Problem is, it won't stick to anything.
"Why did the little girl fall out of the swing?"
"Because she got shot in the head by a high-powered rifle."
What's the difference between Madonna and Mickey Mantle?
Madonna never rejected an organ!
Q: What did the feminists say to Shannon after she withdrew from the
A: "Shannon, we didn't mean *that* kind of abortion!"
what has 2,000 legs and no teeth?
A welfare line in West Virginia :)
Didja hear about the tragic fire at Texas A&M last night?
Yeah, the library burned down. Burned up the book.
And two of the pages hadn't even been colored in yet.
Q: What was Mickey Mantle's favorite part of the game?
A: The bottom of the fifth!
Nancy Kerrigan just got married. I understand the honeymoon is going well. Nancy
is complaining of sore knees again!
What do you call 1,000 lesbians armed with rifles?
A black man runs into the rest room in an urgent need to piss. As he whizzes,
he let's out a sigh and says, "Whew! I just made it." Another man standing
next to him looks down and sees this huge dick. He says, "Could you make
one in white?"
Did you hear about the hole in the wall of nudist camp?
Authorities are looking into it.
Who is a gay?
One who widens his friend's circle
A man was pestering his girlfriend for sex. She always refused him.
When he asked why she would not let him have his way she said that
she was deformed and was embarrassed to make love. She said that
he would laugh at her if he saw her naked and she didn't want that to
Following weeks of begging and, finally, giving her his word that he
would not laugh at her, she agreed that he could have sex. She
stripped off all her clothes above the waist. She had two beautiful
breasts, unfortunately one was above the other on her chest, instead
of being side by side.
He tried very hard not to laugh, but could not control himself. He
burst into laughter.
Needless to say, the girlfriend was very annoyed, she proceeded to
lift her arm, and pee'd all over him!
There's this 5 year old kid who's dressed as a pirate on halloween. He goes
trick-or-treating and knocks on someone's door. A lady comes to the door
and says to the boy, "Oh my what a cute little pirate you are. With your
patch and your sword but where are your bucaneers?"
"On my bucan-head."
q:You know why they nailed jezus to a cross and didn't drown him??
a: Because then all the christian would have to walk with an aquarium around
Why did they replace Betty Crocker?
First she gave the Pillsbury doughboy a yeast infection, then she was found
eating Aunt Jemima!
Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was
- Mypenis ate my homework.
- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a
- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
- I love giving Mypenis a bath.
- At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.
- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.
- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited
anymore. He just plays dead.
- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady
- If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to
- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
- Help! I can't find Mypenis!
- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for
- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to
- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
- Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.
- When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.
- Stop kicking Mypenis.
- When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be
- Mypenis is truly man's best friend.
- Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease.
- People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when
standing at attention.
- Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.
- I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.
- Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.
- Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis.
What's the difference between a Jewish American Princess and the Bermuda
...The Bermuda Triangle swallows up seamen...
The groom and the best man were sitting at a table during the reception
and the groom said to the best man, "you know, I've been looking
around the room and there are only two women here I haven't had ... my
mother and my new bride."
The best man turns to him and replies, "well, between the two of us,
we've got the lot."
And the old (very old) chinese proverb: Seven day honeymoon make whole
1994's MOST BIZARRE SUICIDE
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for
Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his
audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death.
Here is the story:
"On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head.
The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to
commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell
past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a
window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent
was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to
protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able
to complete his suicide anyway because of this."
"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide
ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he
intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories
below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide
to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been
successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on
his hands. "The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast
emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were
arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset
that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the
pellets went through the a window striking Opus.
"When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one
is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge,
the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the
shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to
threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to
murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident.
That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
"The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the
fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the
part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
There was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation revealed that the
son [Ronald Opus] had become increasingly despondent over the failure
of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off
the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast
through a ninth story window.
"The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."
Q: What is the difference between a blond and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it!
Mummy mummy, why has daddy got his penis in the biscuit tin?
He must be fucking crackers.
This blond goes into get her haircut wearing walkman headphones. She
tells the hairdresser to cut her hair but don't remove the headphones.
He does his thing but needs to get under the headphones to finish her up.
He removes the headphones thinking that she will never even notice...the
blond falls to the floor, chokes, turns blue and dies.
The hairdresser picks up the headphones to see what she was listening too
Breath In, Breath Out, Breath In, Breath Out.....
Did you hear about the prostitute that went on a
fishing trip with 6 businessmen? The businessmen
didn't catch anything, but the prostitute came
back with a big Red Snapper.
Walk up to the potential victim and say.....
Honey, I have the f, the c, and the k. Now all I need is you....
How come there are no Mexican interior decorators?
You can only improve a jail cell so much.
Two fish in a tank. One says to the other "I can't drive this!"
Subject: *Top Thirty-Three Names For White Rap Groups*
Rice, Rice, Baby!
Snow White and the Seven Homeys
MC Inbred Jed & His Possum Posse
Whitey By Nature
Newt Doggy Dogg
Boys In Da 'Burb
Iced T w/ Lemon
Boyz II Bigots
Boyz from the Woods
Poop Poopy Poodle
The Bowling Stones
Black Men Can't Bowl
Manic Panic and the Vitamins
Fresh Prince of Finland
Honkey by Nature
Marky Mark Fuhrman
Sour Milk and the Curds
P. Nutbuttah 'n' Jham
Salt 'n Peter
Bubba G. Redneck and His Back Woods Militia
There's a Down child who goes with his mum to a swimming pool, where others children are training crawl.
The mum asks the trainer if her child could swim a little, but
everyone starts laughing:"Let him try ma'am, we'll have some good time"
The Down dives into the water ...and begins swimming like a dolphin,
chrashing the previous record of the
pool. The trainer, astonished, asks him who trained him so well:
"MMM;;;t'was m-m-my fath-th-ther w-w-who trai-i-i-ned mmmeee!"
"Ah, and what was the method, the tecnique your father used to apply?"
"H-h-e put me on the little boat w-w-e had, and st-st-started rowing
to-toward the centr-tre of th-the lake;
th-then he put m-me into the wat-t-ter and be-begun rowing away"
"Hmm... such a rough way to training, but surely useful. Tell me, son:
what were the most difficult moments during your training?"
"Ohhh....su-surely when I-I-I had to b-b-break the pl-plastic bag!"
In Thailand, whenever the King dies, here is how they get a new
All the men ages 18-25 in the kingdom are brought into the capital
city and herded into a very large one-room building that is empty
and lined on the inside walls with manacles and chains. The young
men are stripped naked and chained side-by-side to the walls by their
wrists and ankles. Then each man has tied to his dick a one foot
leather thong that ends in a lead weight. Then slaves with honey
pots go around to each man and paint a honey circle around
his navel. The slaves leave. Then a small rock and roll band
comes in and sets up. Then a beautiful girl, one for each man,
comes into the room. Then about a million flies are released
into the room and all doors to the outside are closed.
Recap: So now you have all these young men chained side-by-side
to the walls with a honey circles painted around their navels, a
million flies buzzing around, a band, and a beautiful girl standing
in front of each man.
Now the band strikes up the dance of the Seven Veils. The girls
begin to dance and at the end of each chorus they take off one veil
until, at the end of the song, all each girl is wearing is a ribbon
around her waste attached to which is a scabbard which contains a
sharp daggar. Then, at the final beat of the drum on the final
chorus of the song, each girl whips out her daggar and cuts the
thong of the boy opposite her.
And the guy who kills the most flies becomes the next King of
Thailand. And that is why the capital of Thailand is called
Two guys go camping. One has to take a shit but they forgot toilet paper.
His friend tells him to go behind a tree, take out a dollar, and wipe his
ass. The guy comes out 5 minutes later stark raving mad. He says "Thanks
a lot. Now thanks to you not only do I have shit all over my hands but
I also have four quarters up my ass!"
Peter Pinkie wakes up one morning. He hasn't showered for three days. His
wife says to him: "Peter, you stink. Why don't you go wash yourself?".
He does, eats a bowl of prunes, 3 bran muffins and a doughnut. He goes to
the laxative factory. When he gets to work (he's in charge of the stock
room) his subordinates tell him that there is no toilet paper in any of
the factories bathrooms. It seems the company that makes it has closed down
while the government inspects it's products after receiving complaints of
rashes. So Peter announces over the PA that no employee is to use the
bathroom until they get home. The rest of the day goes well. Peter returns
home at 6 o'clock to find his dog crapped on the carpet. What is the
moral of this story? Doughnuts are good for breakfast.
Q: What do you call 15 guys lying on top of one another?
A: A scrotum pole.
-- Patricia Jones married John Mycock and became known as Pat Mycock
A girl is visiting her mom, back from here first semester at college.
They are in the midst of a heart to heart talk, and the girl tells
here mom: "I have to get this off my chest mother. I lost my
virginity while at college."
To this the mom replies: "I'm not surprised, i figured it would
happen. I just hope it was a exciting and romantic experience.
The girl excitedly replies: "Oh yes, the first 8 times were great, but
after that, it started to hurt!"
Whats the most common condition that effects baseball groupies?
Bob takes JoJo and the kids for a day at the neighborhood pool. After
they've been there awhile, a lifeguard blows his whistle and screams
at Bob, "Hey you in the Speedo's, I've been watching you all
afternoon, and you must stop pissing in the pool!"
Bob says, "Why, everybody does it?"
The lifeguard replies, "Yes, but not from the diving board!"
A man and a woman had been married for 50 years when they were trying
to think of how they could spice up their relationship a bit. So,
they decided to have breakfast in the nude like they did when they
were younger. The next morning they sit down to eat when the wife
says, "Honey, I don't think this is working. My breasts are starting
to get really hot!" Her husband replies, "They should dear, one is in
your coffee, and the other is in your oatmeal."
What's red, blue, green, orange, purple, yellow, and made of wood?
Madonna's headboard after a night with Dennis Rodman.
One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the
unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived,
they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a
gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.
A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment
office needing temporary help again. This time there were two
painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again. The
clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two
proffessional painters you can take right now?" He said, "Two weeks
ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was
locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist
didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole
Why do women wear make up and purfume ?
'Cos they are ugly and smelly !!
A 35 year old woman goes to visit her doctor complaining of an itchy
vagina. Doctor says it looks like a venereal disease. She says thats
impossible, since she is still a virgin. She says she will seek
She goes to another doctor and tells him her virgina itches all the
time. He checks it out and tells her it looks like v.d. She tells
him no way, she is a virgin! So she seeks another opinion.
This time the doctor examines her and says "Well Miss, it looks as
though your cherry has been in there so long it finally exploded and
now you have fruit flies."
The upgrade path to the most powerful and satisfying computer:
* Pocket calculator
* Commodore Pet / Apple II / TRS 80 / Commodore 64 / Timex Sinclair
(Choose any of the above)
* IBM PC
* Apple Macintosh
* Fastest workstation of the time (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice)
* Minicomputer (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice)
* Mainframe (IBM, Cray, DEC: your choice)
And then you reach the pinnacle of modern computing facilities:
******* G R A D U A T E S T U D E N T S ********
Yes, you just sit back and do all of your computing through lowly
graduate students. Imagine the advantages:
* Multi-processing, with as many processes as you have
students. You can easily add more power by promising more
desperate undergrads that they can indeed escape college
through your guidance. Special student units can even
handle several tasks *on*their*own*!
* Full voice recognition interface. Never touch a keyboard or
mouse again. Just mumble commands and they *will* be
understood (or else!).
* No hardware upgrades and no installation required. Every
student comes complete with all hardware necessary. Never
again fry a chip or $10,000 board by improper installation!
Just sit that sniveling student at a desk, give it writing
utensils (making sure to point out which is the dangerous
end) and off it goes.
* Low maintenance. Remember when that hard disk crashed in
your Beta 9900, causing all of your work to go the great
bit bucket in the sky? This won't happen with grad.
All that is required is that you give them a good *whack!*
upside the head when they are acting up, and they will run
good as new.
* Abuse module. Imagine yelling expletives at your computer.
Doesn't work too well, because your machine just sits there
and ignores you. Through the grad student abuse module you
can put the fear of god in them, and get results to boot!
* Built-in lifetime. Remember that awful feeling two years
after you bought your GigaPlutz mainframe when the new
faculty member on the block sneered at you because his
FeelyWup workstation could compute rings around your
dinosaur? This doesn't happen with grad. students. When
they start wearing and losing productivity, simply give
them the PhD and boot them out onto the street to fend for
themselves. Out of sight, out of mind!
* Cheap fuel: students run on Coca Cola (or the high-octane
equivalent -- Jolt Cola) and typically consume hot spicy
chinese dishes, cheap taco substitutes, or completely
synthetic macaroni replacements. It is entirely
unnecessary to plug the student into the wall socket
(although this does get them going a little faster from time to
* Expansion options. If your grad. students don't seem to be
performing too well, consider adding a handy system manager
or software engineer upgrade. These guys are guaranteed to
require even less than a student, and typically establish
permanent residence in the computer room. You'll never
know they are around! (Which you certainly can't say for an
AXZ3000-69 150gigahertz space-heater sitting on your desk with
its ten noisy fans....) [Note however that the
engineering department still hasn't worked out some of the
idiosyncratic bugs in these expansion options, such as
incessant muttering at nobody in particular, occasionaly
screaming at your grad. students, and posting ridiculous
messages on world-wide bulletin boards.]
So forget your Babbage Engines and abacuses (abaci?) and PortaBooks and DEK
666-3D's and all that other silicon garbage. The wave of the future is in
wetware, so invest in graduate students today! You'll never go back!
- It looks like old Orville popped his last kernel.
- Did you hear they found Orville Reddenbacher in a tub ... of butter.
,/%%%%%\~~\%%\. Well, it's that time of year again, when all the
,/%%%%%%%%~\, ~** Hallmark Gift shops and other holiday-oriented stores
,%%%%%%%%%%%, begin displaying their nauseating stock of Christmas-
|%%%%%%%%%%%| commercialization goodies. So, I figure, why should
)( q q )( USENET be any different? Of course, we here on the
((. o )) net must adhere to the anarchist creed of truth at any
((()) O (( cost -- so now I present a story, not for the light-
)))(()())) hearted. Prepare yourselves: the truth behind Christmas.
THE CHRISTMAS CRISIS
Copyright 1995, David Hoover
Once there was a man named Puck Dahmer, who made his living
as a bicycle messenger. He had a good career when he was young, because
he was smart and fast. Over the years however, his career began to wither
dry, for he became old and slow. As a result, he became ever more depressed
and violent -- and all because he never got what he wanted from Santa.
One Christmas Eve Puck had a little too much eggnog. He made a
batch of marijuana brownies and filled a glass with some milk laced with
Everclear. Then he set a trap for Santa by setting the food out to eat.
Cackling evilly to himself, he went to bed. Later that night, Santa came
down the chimney, ate the brownies, drank the milk, danced with the
Christmas tree and passed out. When Puck woke up, he found Santa sitting
on top of the Christmas tree with a bow on his head and explaining to a
light fixture, in a slightly slurred voice, why he felt trapped by his
marriage. Puck smiled to himself and proceeded with the second part of his
plan -- to take the fat man prisoner as revenge for all the presents he had
never received. After Puck got Santa off the tree and tied to a chair
(which took a while, since Puck never suspected that Santa had a boot knife
or that he would be such a good fighter with it, even drunk), Santa
screamed, "How dare you offend the Mighty Thor!! I will smite you for
your blasphemy!!!" He began waving his one free arm around in circles,
pretending he had a mighty hammer and making smiting noises with his mouth.
After his shoulder began to cramp up, he calmed down a bit.
Puck took the opportunity to ask him, "Santa, why didn't you ever
bring me what I wanted for Christmas? I asked for a moped because I was
tired of pedaling all over the freakin' city! All you ever gave me was a
bunch of rock-hard fruitcakes and, finally, a pony! Well, I wouldn't
have minded the pony, except IT WAS FREAKIN' DEAD!!"
Santa screamed, "Well, bite me!! The pony was FINE until I tried
to wrap it... How the heck was I supposed to know that it couldn't
breathe through the paper!?"
Puck screamed back, "SHUT UP, FAT MAN! FORGET ABOUT THE PONY,
HOW COME YOU NEVER GOT ME THE MOPED!?? "
"Listen, you little smegger," said Santa. "You never got the
moped because we don't handle ANYTHING mechanical, so STUFF THAT IN YOUR
PIPE AND SMOKE IT!!"
"Why the heck not?! Why don't you handle anything mechanical! I
WANT THE TRUTH OUT OF YOU, YOU FAT COMMIE," demanded Puck.
"THE TRUTH!? YOU WANT THE TRUTH? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"
screamed Santa. "Besides, it's classified." With this, Santa reached
into a hidden pocket and yanked out a live grenade.
"HO, HO, HO, HERE WE GO," screamed Santa, who then stuffed the
grenade into his mouth and pulled the pin.
From that tragic day forward, the parents of young children have
had to spend massive amounts of money on Christmas presents. All good
parents curse the name of Santa every time they are forced to fork out
for a stupid Cabbage Patch doll.
On a side note, the widowed Mrs. Claus and the seven hundred
orphaned elves tried to continue life at the North pole. Unfortunately,
one day Mrs. Claus wandered off in a snowstorm, never to be seen again.
The elves tried bravely to continue as before, although after they had
eaten all the reindeer they were forced to begin feeding on the weak
among themselves. They became a group of nomadic barbarians, and
eventually wandered down to Montana, where they took up residence in a
large oak tree. They formed the tribe of Keebler, and produced cookies,
chips, and snack foods forever after.
So these two guys are busted for selling drugs. When they go before
the judge, she says (I'm learning to be PC), "I'm going to put you both
in jail unless you do the following community service: You each must
teach at a boy's camp for juvenile offenders about the dangers of
drugs, and you're retention rate will determine how light your sentence
is." So after six months, the first guy approaches the judge and the
judge say, "So, how did you do?" And the first guy says, "Well, your
Honor, I'm proud to say my retention rate is 60 percent." And the
judge says, "Excellent! You are free to go. Oh, and by the way, how
were you so successful?" And the first guy says, "Well, I showed them
this picture: ------- --
| | | |
| | --
and I told them that the first represents your brain before drugs and
the second represents your brain after drugs."
When the second guy came before the judge, She asked what HIS retention
rate was and the second guy said, "Your Honor, I'm proud to say my
retention rate was 99%." And the judge said, "WOW, that's incredible.
How did you do it?" And the second guy said,"Well, I showed them the
following picture: -- -------
| | | |
-- | |
and the judge says, "Well, that's what the other guy did, but he only
had a 66% retention rate?!" And the second guy said, "Well, yes, but
only I told the kids, " -- This is your asshole before prison....
Arnold Palmer had just won the Masters. He went out that evening to
celebrate at a local Indian Restaurant. Arnold stepped up to the bar and
told the bartender that he wanted to buy a round for the whole house. As
a tip, Arnold threw a few tees on the bar - ones that he had used during
the tornament. The bartender asked, "What are those?" Arnold replied,
"You put your balls on them when you drive." The bartender says, "That
Lee Iacocca! He thinks of everything!"
Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years
by Professor Bonk (really),
and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been
around forever, so I
wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one
year there were these two
guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the
quizzes and the midterms and
labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A.
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend
before finals week (even
though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia
and party with some
friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with
their hangovers and everything,
they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early
monday morning. Rather
than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk
after the final and explain to him
why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the
weekend, and had planned
to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way
back and didn't have a spare
and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to
campus. Bonk thought this over
and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day.
The two guys were elated
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that
Bonk had told them. He placed
them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told
them to begin. They looked
at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and
solutions and was worth 5
points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that
problem and then turned the
page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
(95 points) Which tire?"
When is it alright to spit in an Italian womans face?
When her mustache is on fire!
Jesus goes to the recruitment office and says, "I need a job." So the
officer checks Jesus's credentials and background [messiah] and says, "Fine.
We have two positions open for a messaih: one in New York and one in Israel.
The one in Israel offers $1 000 000 per annum, with all the perks: free car,
petrol, house, medical aid - the works. The one in New York offers only
$200 000 per annum, no perks. Which would you prefer?"
Jesus replies, "I'll take the one in New York." The officer is astounded.
"Why would you turn down such a fantastic offer like the one in Israel?"
"Well," replied Jesus, "I worked there a few thousand years ago, and they
gave me the same stuff, but there was one snag. They nailed me with tacs
What's the difference between a bucket of sand and a bucket of menstrual
You cannot gargle sand.
Top 10 Rejected Cigarette Warnings by the Surgeon General
Number 10: Cigarette smoking is cool but can raise your
Number 9: Cigarette smoking is a real bitch underwater
(sorry, that was the Sturgeon General's Warning)
Number 8: I'm telling your mommy that you smoke
Number 7: Instead of smoking, try whirling visualized peas
Number 6: You're not really going to smoke these. Are you
fucking stupid or what?
Number 5: Cigarette smoking may ignite your compound if it
is stormed by the FBI (sorry, that was the Attorney
Number 4: God said, "Thou shall not smoke" but Moses took
it to mean after having sex with your neighbors wife.
Number 3: Four out of five dentists recommend root canals
for their patients who smoke.
Number 2: One package of cigarettes with 8 oz of skim milk
isn't part of a balanced breakfast and leaves a disgusting
film in your mouth.
And the Number 1 rejected cigarette warning by the Surgeon
General: Cigarette smoking is OK if you don't inhale, right
What do the Seahawks and Billy Graham have in common?
They can both make 60,000 people stand up and say "Jesus Christ!"
Why don't witches wear underwear?
10. SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking cigarettes while masturbating could
cause personal injury. I recommend taking a class to adequately prepare for
such a task.
9. SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: The Surgeon General has determined that
smoking can cause you to lead a pathetic existence sitting in a smelly
designated smoking area at your job, freezing your cajones off in the middle
8. SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: 100% pure tax.
7. SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: No matter how hard you try, you'll never look
as cool as Bogart.
6. SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: This cigarette mascot has phallic facial
5. SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking during pregnancy can cause your baby
to look like Herve Villacheze.
4. SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: If you actually wear the free clothing you get
from collecting multiple empty cigarette packs, you will look like a moron.
3. SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: The Surgeon General has determined that
cigarette smoking may cause women to look like cheap, sleazy sluts.
2. SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Keith Richards is a fluke.
1. SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Don't take this fine print too seriously; the
feds make us print it.
Two druggies wandering down a railway track.
First druggie goes to second druggie. "Man, these stairs, go on forever"
Second druggie: "Yeh! but its the low banaster thats getting me down"
This really poor Guy goes to a brothel and there's only this 65 year old
fat ugly tart left for the amount of money that he's got.
So he pays up and goes into the room. She then comes in and turns the lights
off. He kisses and starts fondeling her tits and then kissing them
Suddenly he stops: "Hey arnt you a bit old to be giving milk, sweet
She replies: "Thats not milk, its a cyst!"
An indian and a man were talking on the corner one day:
"Hi, what ya got in the bag there?" (pointing to the brown paper
bag in the indian's hand..)
"A bottle of wine for my wife." the indian replies
"Good trade." the man says..
A woman is in hospital in a coma.
The nurse is giving the woman her a wash. As she starts washing the
womans pussy the woman starts groaning. The nurse believing that the
woman is about to come out of the coma calls for the doctor and
explains what happened. The doctor asks the nurse to wash the womans
pussy again, again she starts groaning. The doctor asks the womans
husband to come the hospital asap. The doctor explains what has
happened. He explains to the husband the he believies that the only
way she is going to come out of the coma is if the husband proforms
oral sex on his wife, the husband agrees. The curtain is closed
around the bed and the doctor & nurse listen to the heart beat on
the heart monitor, gradually the heart beat gets faster & faster
until suddenly it stops, the doctor & nurse open the curtain asking
"what happened, you've killed her" he replies "she choked".
Two snakes in a jungle
first snake goes to second snake: "Errr mate, are we poisonous?"
Second snake replies : "Fuck me, Yeh! deadly mate! why?"
First snake : "Bastard!!!!, I've bit my lip"
Two cows in a field
First cow, goes: "Err Daisy, what do you reckon to this erm, Mad cows
Second cows goes, "Im fucked if I know, Edna, I'm a giraffe!"
During one summer a particularly bad drought is affecting
a tropical island. The vegetation is dying off, water is scarce,
and all animals in the food chain are suffering. One day a rabbit
wanders along the beach looking for food, and notices that the water
level has lowered, uncovering a sandbar with seaweed growing on it.
Seeing that there is only a few feet of water between the beach and
the sand bar, the rabbit takes a running start and jumps, just barely
landing on the sandbar. The rabbit then starts to munch on the
seaweed, happy that it has found food at last. A few minutes later a
cat wanders onto the beach and notices the rabbit out on the sandbar.
Although the cat is wary of the water separating it from the rabbit,
it is starving and decides to go after the rabbit. It backs up, takes
a big running start, and at the last second chickens out. The cat
tries to stop, but it skids into the ocean and drowns.
MORAL: Behind every happy peter is a wet pussy.
How does a drunk snake move?
In a straight line.....
There was this Kiwi hitch hiking across Europe when he got picked up by this
French twat. After another couple of hours on the road, the kiwi guy fulls
asleep and around so many kilometres later is woken up rudely by 3 load
thumps. Startled he asks the French twat, what happened. Coolly the
"oh zat was nothin, I just het a German man"
"But, I heard three bangs" replied the Kiwi.
"oh, wee" replies the french twat " I had to go thru 2 fences to get zat
Mike Tyson offered to to pay for OJ's defense. OJ was so grateful that he
told Mike that when the trial was over, he would kill Robin Givens.
What do you call Altarboys at a Priests convention?
Q: Why do they have to dig a twenty foot deep hole to bury a nigger?
A: Because deep down they're good people.
how does a pole clean his underwear? puts them over his head and
What do you call a man with a black head on his penis ?
Hugh Grant.... Well I thought it was funny...
Gay guy says to a straight guy, "Let's play hide and seek - I'll hide, and
if you find me I get to give you a blow job".
Straight guy says, "But what if I don't find you?".
Gay guy says, "I'll be behind the couch".
The Mob needed a reliable courier so Vinny recommended his deaf-mute cousin.
The new courier worked out fine, especially because the Mob was sure he
wouldn't be able to blab to anyone about the merchandise he was carrying.
But one day, the Boss noticed one of his deliveries was several thousand
dollars short. So Vinny, who was the only one who knew sign language and
could communicate with the deaf-mute, was sent to the courier's home,
accompanied by Guido the Enforcer.
They beat down the door and Vinny signed to his cousin to give up the money.
The deaf-mute insisted he knew nothing about it. Guido promptly began to
kick him around the room.
Finally, Guido held up the courier by the collar and held a gun to his
bloodied face. Unable to take any more beating, the deaf-mute signed, "I'll
talk! I'll talk!" In a flurry of gestures, he quickly signed to his cousin
that there was over 100,000 dollars in cold cash in a shoe box under the bed.
"What he say?" growled the enforcer.
Vinny replied, "He says you're a pussy and you haven't got the balls to pull
This guy owns a company called Orcus Nails, and they specialise in making 9
in. nails. So, he goes along to an advertising company and asks them to do
an advert for his nails. They say not a problem, the ad will be on in a
weeks time on Sunday night.
So a week goes by and on Sunday night he sits down his whole family after
church to watch the ad. The ad comes on, and he says Jesus on the cross with
these shiney nails through his hands, and the figure of Jesus lifts his head
and says: "Use Orcus Nails, they work every time."
Well, the owner of the company is horrified to say the least. So he
complains to the advertising company, and they say, no problem, they'll make
a new ad. It will be on TV at the same time next week. So the following
Sunday he sits his family down again to watch the advert.
the advert comes on: There's a Jew running down the street with a whole lot
of Romans chasing him. A roman stops in front of the camera and says: We
should have used Orcus Nails.
Once there was this city boy who wanted to go and live off the land,
so he headed out to a farm to buy some animals. "I'll take one of
these," he said to the farmer. What is it?"
"Well to me it's a cock but to you it's a chicken," replied the
farmer. "Okay," said the city boy. "And i'll take one of these too
if you'll tell me what it is."
"To me it's an ass but to you it's a mule," explained the farmer, "and
when that ass gets stubborn, it sits down and you have to scratch
its belly to get it moving again."
So the city boy set off down the road with all his new purchases. He
was doin' pretty fine till a pretty girl drove by, at which point the
ass sat down and refused to budge. Seeing he was having some trouble,
the girl backed up and asked if there was anything she could do to
"Actually yes," said the city boy. "Will you please hold my cock
while i scratch my ass?"
Q What is the flaky stuff in womens undies ?
A Clitty Litter
If you answer mostly A, you're a pre-boomer. If you answer mostly B,
you're a Baby-Boomer. If you answer mostly C, you're in Generation X. If
you answer mostly D, you're in Generation Y.
Who is the ideal figure of motherhood?
A - Eleanor Roosevelt
B - Donna Reed
C - Mrs. Baker
D - Roseanne
What did you want to be when you grew up?
A - Part of a nuclear family
B - Someone who makes lots of money
C - Living with your parents
D - Living with your parents
Music should be:
A - Melodic and romantic
B - Annoying to your parents
C - Annoying to your parents
D - Annoying to your parents
Sex is for:
A - Married couples who want to start families
B - Anybody who wants to start a party
C - Latex-clad partners in a labratory setting
D - Watching on TV
The scariest moment in film history was:
A - When the mummy rose from his tomb
B - When the Blob chased Steve McQueen
C - When the alien burst from the man's chest
D - When Freddy still would not die
The most inspiring American is:
A - John Wayne
B - John F. Kennedy
C - John F. Kennedy Jr
D - Beavis or Butthead
I expect my retirement to be:
A - The golden years when I can look back on a happy, fulfilling life
B - An opportunity to finally write my novel
C - An agonizing slide into abject poverty
D - A daily struggle to survive in a horribly polluted world
America is becoming:
A - More impersonal
B - More frightening
C - More expensive
D - More bogus
The American Dream is:
A - A house with a two-car garage
B - A healthy family
C - Winning the lottery
D - Touring with Metallica
My college major was:
A - Business
B - Liberal arts
C - Secondary to my bartending job
D - Something far, far away
A good meal would be:
A - Meat and potatoes
B - Vegetarian macrobiotic
C - From a drive-up window
D - Microwaveable
My favorite footwear is:
A - Sensible shoes
B - Earth shoes
C - Converse high-tops
D - Doc Martens
I learned to drive behind the wheel of a:
A - '53 Packard
B - '61 VW
C - '78 Pinto
D - Sega
A - Marilyn Monroe
B - Raquel Welch
C - Julia Roberts
D - Sheryl Crow
A - Cary Grant
B - Paul McCartney
C - Eddie Vedder
D - Bart Simpson
A - James Dean
B - Jim Morrison
C - Kurt Cobain
D - Mario Bros
My generation's most unhealthy habit:
A - Smoking
B - Smoking pot
C - Smoking crack
D - Moshing
Fashion accessory best forgotten:
A - Double knit
B - Bell bottoms
C - Skinny ties
D - Ridiculously baggy pants
The best way to spend a weekend is:
A - Playing golf
B - Conciousness raising
C - Mountain biking
D - Internet surfing
I remember where I was when:
A - The Japanese surrendered
B - John F. Kennedy was shot
C - John Lennon was shot
D - O.J. took a drive
Life changing movie:
A - East of Eden
B - Easy Rider
C - Heathers
D - Home Alone
A - Catcher in the Rye
B - Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
C - Bright Lights Big City
D - TV Guide
A - Mickey Mantle
B - O.J. Simpson
C - Michael Jordan
D - O.J. Simpson
Celebrity my generation would rather not claim:
A - Joe McCarthy
B - Barry Manilow
C - Vanilla Ice
D - Barney
(-: (-: (-: (-: (-: (-: (-: (-:
Do not look into laser with your remaining good eye!
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